


In Which Axel Tries to Fend Off an Existential Crisis with Snark and Fails Miserably

by kaeda



Series: Nature of Existence [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-10
Updated: 2006-06-10
Packaged: 2017-10-04 23:43:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/35370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaeda/pseuds/kaeda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set right after the events of CoM, the remaining Organization members spend a quiet evening together. Axel annoys everybody, Demyx worries, and Roxas smiles for Axel alone. Spoilers for Chain of Memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Axel Tries to Fend Off an Existential Crisis with Snark and Fails Miserably

Half of the seats are empty, half of their number are gone.  He was never fond of any of them, and the only person he ever cared about in his nonexistent heart is still slouched sullenly on his own unnaturally tall throne, but it is disheartening all the same.  Vexen, Lexaeus, Zexion.  Marluxia, Larxene.  Well, it's less than half, but Demyx has started asking what comes after death for those who don't truly have souls, and Axel is really not inclined to try to find an answer.

"Maybe we merge with the soul of our Self before we became Heartless," Demyx says hopefully, and Xigbar and Xaldin turn away.  They're having one of their usual nights of companionship in one of the upstairs rooms.  The younger man's face falls and he looks at Axel for support, but Axel is watching his lifeline – _Roxas_ – and has little time for philosophical debates about the nature of nothingness.  
          
"And what happens after that?"  Luxord asks arrogantly, shuffling a deck of cards to deal another hand to Numbers II and III.  They normally don't spend much time in each other's company; the loss of their five brethren has made them all nervous, and they've begun to stick closer together, like scared animals.  
          
"Some damn kid isn't going to come stick me with a Keybla—" Xigbar stops talking when he catches Axel's dark gaze and shoots a look at Roxas.  Their youngest member is sitting idly in the corner, staring out the window, wearing his usual blank expression.  They've tried, tried so hard, to keep Sora's presence a secret from him.  Axel likes to think that they've succeeded, but there's good chance the kid has figured it out.  
          
"You can't search for meaning in a universe that created us," Xaldin says bitterly, looking at his cards.  He and Xigbar are normally pretty laid back about everything, so the fact that this talk is getting to _them_ makes Axel extremely uneasy.  Demyx is running his fingers idly along his sitar, and a few sad notes wink out.  
          
"All right, I'm sick of this depressing talk," Axel grumbles, standing up.  The rest look at him warily, knowing by now that a bored, anxious Axel is a dangerous Axel.  When his green eyes settle on the boy in the corner, a collective sigh of relief goes through the room – today, his target is someone else.  
          
He sits next to Roxas and cranes his neck to try to see what on earth is so fascinating that the kid has spent hours staring out the window at it.  He sees the empty lights of the city, the Heartless and Nobodies locked in their endless dance, and shivers.  
          
"You haven't said a word all night," he begins.  "Does nonexistence shake you to your nonexistent bones?"  
          
Roxas continues true to his pattern by not deigning this line of questioning with a response.  
          
"It's not funny," Demyx says sourly, playing minor scales on his sitar.  "I'm _scared_."  Demyx is the only one who would ever admit that.  Axel sometimes wonders where the cheerful, smiling kid went, the one who got recruited into the Organization and then tried to start throwing group parties, getting everybody to be 'more like an actual organization!'  It had failed miserably – there had been an incident involving Larxene and Marluxia with a knife, and Vexen had put some vile concoction in the drinks as an 'experiment', and after the three day hangover period, the Superior had quickly made his will known that it was Never To Happen Again, but Demyx had remained cheerful for months afterwards.  
          
It saddened Axel to see that nothingness was wearing him down.       

"This is all meaningless," Roxas spits out, suddenly and vehemently, and Axel turns to look at him again.  
          
"I agree.  Luxord's cheating again," Xigbar adds.  Roxas rolls his eyes and looks away from the window, slumping sullenly and looking all of his lofty fifteen years.  
          
"Cards are an _art form_.  I do not _cheat_."  Great, now Number X is offended, and they're going to hear a lecture.  Heaven forbid anyone insult his card playing.  
          
"You cheat," Xaldin agrees with Xigbar.  Axel is really not in the mood for a brawl to form in the middle of a relaxing (well, sort of) evening, so he focuses all of his attention back on Roxas, who looks miserable.  
          
"You're thinking too much.  I know what you need!" he says triumphantly, and suddenly Roxas's face goes from 'Contemplation' to 'Oh Shit, I Know That Tone Of Voice And Axel Is Batshit Insane' in a matter of seconds.  He quickly goes blank again, but Axel _saw_ his expression and grins wickedly all the same.  
          
Across the room, Demyx is squeaking and covering his sitar protectively as Xaldin summons in his lances.  Xigbar is just watching but has the look in his eyes that implies he's going to bring in some heavy artillery himself any second now, and Luxord has created a wall of cards around himself.  The door opens, stalling any fighting and property damage before it has a chance to start.  
          
Axel is about to make Roxas leave with him, but stops when Saix walks in.  
          
Saix has _never_ associated with the others (besides the Superior), even since Castle Oblivion.  They all freeze and stare at him apprehensively, figuring he's just going to stick them with new orders and new distractions…  
          
_And new ways to die._  (Axel squashes this voice flat; apparently this nonsense is making even _him_ morbid). 

But Saix just looks at the chaos and glides through it like it can't touch him, seating himself on the couch and looking at them expectantly like they should continue.  
          
"What brings you out of your lair?" Axel sneers, never one to pass up the opportunity to be an asshole.  "The Superior spurned your advances again?"  Roxas turns his head away to hide a smirk, and a small chill goes up Axel's spine to know that he's the _only one_ who can make Roxas's face be anything other than blank, that he can actually make him _smile_ (well, smirk).  The others don't seem to know this; it's their little secret, and not one Axel wants Saix to discover.  
          
Saix actually doesn't reply to him, which is unusual for the sadistic bastard, who normally enjoys some good verbal sparring.  With no response, Axel immediately loses interest and goes back to pestering Roxas, but the others are still curious.  
          
"Are _you_ worried?" Demyx asks Saix.  When he receives a glower for his troubles, he begins to play minor scales on his sitar again, sitting in the corner with a mournful expression on his face.  Axel is getting sick of this angst business and wishes the kid would just smile again.  
          
Xaldin and Xigbar are still in the middle of a glare war with Luxord, and it is all very kindergartenish and if Axel himself wasn't permanently stuck in elementary school sometimes he would have commented on it.  Instead he flicks Roxas's ear.  
          
"Cut it out," the boy snaps, twitching.  
          
"You have cute ears," Axel says, and Roxas gives him a Look that promises pain and suffering if this train of thought continues, and Axel, never one to pass up pain at Roxas's hands, pushes the limit.  "You're really such a little thing."  
          
For a little thing, Roxas certainly growls quite loudly.  For a moment Axel wonders if he's going to have to deal with Keyblades today, because he's certainly not equipped for it and those things hurt.  
          
Demyx has warped his minor scales until they sound almost modal, and is currently trying to play something that sounds vaguely like a dirge.  Axel rolls his eyes.  
          
"If you don't play something happy, I'm going to set that damn thing on fire," he tells Demyx.  Maybe if he can play something happy, then he can _become_ happy and forget that at the end of this lonely road there could be nothing left.  
          
They're all thinking it, though.  
          
And Axel is tired, so tired, tired of watching people die and people angst and tired of hearing that he doesn't have a heart (_because if he doesn't, then what is this warm feeling when he looks at Roxas?_) and tired of tiptoeing around the issue.  Marluxia was a manipulative bastard and Larxene was as sadistic as Saix.  Vexen was pretty fucking scary, and despite mostly keeping to themselves, Lexaeus and Zexion hadn't been angels either.  Who _cared_ if they were dead?  
          
But then he looks at Roxas and he wonders if Number XIII is next, and he feels so _cold_.  He knows this is how Demyx feels, and wonders if he was too harsh.  But no, he's Axel.  He has to be an asshole, it's in his job description.  Demyx is playing something a little more cheerful now (at least, it's in major key, which is a good improvement) and his face doesn't look nearly so scared.  
          
"Do you think we'll all be reincarnated someday?" he asks Axel suddenly, as if the redhead sees everything and knows all.  Axel hates that he doesn't have an answer, but before he can make some smartass bullshit reply, Roxas cuts in.  
          
"Maybe if we believe," he says quietly, and suddenly Axel can't mock this reincarnation thing anymore.  
          
"Do you think we'll find each other again?" Demyx continues, comforted in finding a kindred spirit in Roxas.  "All of us?"  
          
"You _want_ to spend more than one lifetime with us?" Xigbar asks incredulously.  Axel, who has stopped paying attention to them, vaguely notes that another card game has started up, and wonders briefly how long this one will last.  
          
"We're _family_," Number IX says petulantly.  
          
Axel looks at Saix and wonders what sins he could have possibly committed to resign him to an eternity of sharing brotherhood with _him_.  Saix gives him the same look, obviously displeased with the idea.  
          
"Yes, we certainly have the dysfunctional aspect going for us," Xaldin adds, trying to look at Xigbar's cards.  Axel predicts that the next brawl will be between II and III, and even Saix's presence isn't going to stop this one.  
          
"But if we were _real_ people, we wouldn't be so negative and distant and mean," Demyx insists, like having a heart is all a person needs to be a good, decent human being.  It's funny that although Roxas is the youngest by several years, Number IX is by far the most naïve of the group.  
          
"I don't remember being a person…" Roxas says, so low that only Axel can hear, and he suddenly wants to hold the boy until all that pain his voice goes away.  
          
"I do!" he says instead.  
          
"I'm sure you were just as abrasive and irksome in person, Number VIII," Saix says sourly.  The man is always such a spoilsport, but as usual Axel doesn't let it get to him.  
          
"I was a great warrior," Axel insists.  "I could kill a man with my _teeth_."  Roxas snorts in disbelief and rolls his eyes.  "I can do other things with my teeth, too," he adds as an afterthought, leering at the kid.  
          
"Please, VIII, nobody wants to hear about your deviancies," Saix snaps.  
          
"Why are you even here?" Axel shoots back.  "You don't like any of us."  
          
"Were you lonely thinking about the end of existence, too?" Demyx asks, perking up.  "Because I know how you feel, and we really should talk about it.  It'll make all of us feel better."  
          
Saix stands up abruptly.  "I'm leaving."  
          
"Oh, man, Number IX's got you pegged," Axel smirks.  "You're just as scared as he is."  Suddenly he wonders if maybe _he'll_ be the next one to die, because the look in Saix's eyes is pretty fucking scary and borderline homicidal.  Roxas has shifted ever-so-slightly into a defensive position, something only Axel would have noticed.  His stomach flutters with the knowledge that if Saix wants to murder him, he'll have to go through Keyblades to do it.  
          
Especially since Roxas would gladly let any of the others burn.  
          
(Well, maybe except Demyx.  He's tagged along on enough of Axel's adventures with Roxas that the kid sort of considers him a friend.  At least, Axel thinks so.)  
          
"I was a musician."  Demyx has the attention span of a fucking fly, and Axel has no idea what he's talking about now.  "When I was somebody.  I wasn't a fighter, or a killer, or anything special.  I don't know why I'm such a high-level Nobody, and I don't know why I'm in the Organization."  
          
Saix sits back down, focusing back on Demyx's dilemma.  
          
"You had a strong heart," Xigbar comments from the poker table.  Somehow, they're staying relatively free of the drama, and Axel envies them.  He wishes he'd dragged Roxas out at the beginning like he'd first intended to.  But for some reason Roxas is genuinely interested in this discussion on life and death and existentialism, and Axel wonders if he should start brushing up on his philosophy.  
          
Axel's not truly upset about the thought of ending his existence, and he's hated it at the Organization for as long as he can remember, and there's only one bright spot but he really would hate to leave it…  
          
"Do you think there's an afterlife for people like us?" Demyx asks, and Axel is _sick of this_.  
          
"I don't fucking care."  All the humor is gone, and he stands up and stares at them all, and Xigbar, Xaldin, and Luxord actually look up from their card game and Roxas is warm at his side, _so warm_.  "Worrying about it won't change the eventual outcome.  If you don't want to die, enjoy life while you can.  Do you really want to meet up with Marluxia in some _afterlife_?  Do you really want to be reincarnated and have to see _his face_," and here he gestures at Saix, who growls, "every day?  Because I sure as hell don't want to."  
          
'_There's only one reason I'd ever want to live again_,' he thinks.  
          
Demyx looks stunned and a little thoughtful, and Saix is angry and Roxas says nothing and has that blank expression on his face again.  The card game is suddenly abandoned and Xigbar and Xaldin come and sit on either side of Demyx.  Axel is somewhat surprised; apparently they're all slightly protective of the musician.  
          
"I…I guess you're right," Demyx says slowly.  His face lights up suddenly and Axel knows it's a mask and winces.  "Thanks Axel!"  Then he peers at him closely, sees the way Axel's hands wander a little too close and the way Roxas leans in towards him and smiles.  "You know, I think we really do have hearts after all."  
          
And Axel can't take it, and he's _running_ out, because he's wondered about this for awhile and now _Demyx_ can see it too and all he wants to do is escape before whatever it is in his chest leaps in his throat for good and chokes him.  
          
A pool of black forms in front of him.  Roxas.  
          
"You're an idiot," the kid says, but his blue eyes are thawing.  "Saix is never going to let you live this one down."  
          
Axel takes a deep breath, another, and slowly calms down the maelstrom of emotions that's swimming in his gut.  He puts on his familiar smirk, leans back lazily, and smiles insolently at Roxas.  
          
"Let him.  I'm sick of all this depressing bullshit."  
          
There's silence for awhile, but it's comfortable, and Axel's used to this by now.  He begins to walk towards his room and Roxas falls into step behind him, a loyal shadow but something more.  
          
Axel stops walking and turns around, grabbing Roxas tightly.  The younger boy stiffens in his arms, not really sure what to do, but Axel doesn't expect spontaneous affection in return.  He leans in close and whispers in Roxas's ear,  
          
"The only person worth seeing in another life is you."  
          
And when Roxas smiles, Axel suddenly knows that they'll meet again, someday, because something like this doesn't just end with life.  And in the next life they'll have hearts and smiles and there won't be any of this hiding their feelings bullshit.  Axel _loves_ Roxas, and he somehow knows that if they can love _without hearts_, the sheer strength of what they have must be staggering.  No force, not even nonexistence, can keep them out of heaven.  
          
When he tells this to Demyx, three days later in a moment of weakness, the boy lights up like the sun, and everything is going to be okay.

\---------------------------------------------  
          
In a distant dimension, far in the future, a redhead leans insolently against a pier and watches the sun rise.


End file.
